I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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