4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize