Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
