Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this is an emotional support booty call
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
