The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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