I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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