Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There's always time for handjobs
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
