I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
