The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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