You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
