I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
