i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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