checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
