Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
