Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize