Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize