Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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