Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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