I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
