Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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