Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
