I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize