I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
