omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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