Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
