Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
