my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His hands were made for my vagina.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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