if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
