I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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