She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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