bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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