apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
