Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize