He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
