Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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