You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
