she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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