please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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