Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize