What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
