I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
