you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
