my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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