In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
