I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
