her facebook's as public as her vagina
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
