your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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