I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize