i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
