Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
