the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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