My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
