He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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