Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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