yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
