Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize