Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
