I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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