i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
