Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
